Rock of Love Recap

The time has come once again to show that I am in no way a professional critic, I just like to bitch about certain things. And what better to bitch about than these train wreck bachelor/ette shows on VH1.

The skank in question is Bret Michaels. I actually think Bret seems like someone who would make a good friend. But would I want him for a boyfriend? I'd probably take him before Flavor Flav, who I also think would make a cool friend. But both Bret and Flav are tore up from the floor up, and they've been with everything else under the sun, so...no thanks. Besides, I'm one of those women that wouldn't interest them. I don't try to be hot, I have had very little plastic surgery, my very average sized boobs are actually mine, and I wear clothes that cover my multitude of sins when I'm out in public. And probably the biggest deal breaker: I have my own interests and goals, and my kid comes first. Somehow this just ain't what Bret and Flav are looking for. And that's fine by me!

The Rock of Love has something that none of the two Flavor of Loves nor I Love New York had. A contenstant that I actually HATE! I thought Hottie was goofy as hell. I thought New York was bitchy, but I didn't actively hate her. I thought that Chance proved himself to be something of a dick. And I don't like Heather the overcured ham. (thanks to Catherine for that apt comparison!) But nor do I really hate any of these people.

Lacey, however, I think is a gen-yu-wine 100 proof beeeyatch with a capital B! I know this heartless succubus makes for good television, particularly considering the genre. But seeing her sociopathic, scheming face makes me feel bulimic. In other words, I want to throw up anything I may have eaten during the day when I view her malevolent mug. She is the one contestant on any of these shows where I find myself saying "oh for fuck's sake, I don't CARE if she's entertaining, put a fucking stake through her heart and be done with it!"

So Mia the nice girl got sent home, to nobody's surprise. Sorry, Ladies, but these guys who imagine themselves to be tres hot will never go for a nice girl. Bret likes skanky, overdone blondes, which is why I have my money on the overcured ham. Lacey is just way too much of a bitch and she doesn't have anything else going for her either, even the dubious quality of "hotness." She has a boyish figure, not much in the way of boobs (not that I have a ton in that department, just sayin') and no butt. All this could be overlooked if not for the satanic sneer that perpetually graces her not particularly attractive face. Every time I see her I wish that Buffy the Vampire Slayer would swing onto the set and take the bitch out. Just saying.

As to the remaining wannabe Bret schtoinkers, I find Sam and Jes actually likeable. I don't dislike Brandi, but she is showing her true sluttiness more and more.

With the previews, I also find myself needing to air a pet peeve.

Chicks making out with other chicks for the sake of turning dudes on.

If someone is a real, genuine lesbian, power to you. I don't have a problem with that. I also don't have a problem with someone who is actually bisexual. It's these "mostly straight" chicks that will stick their tongue down another woman's throat just to get some guy worked up. Girlfriend, come on! If you really want other women, that's one thing, but you need to figure it out for yourself. Doing it to get some guy hotted up--well--if he wouldn't be interested in you for yourself, then he ain't worth your damn time. Sadly, Ladies, we still just don't get it.

What inspired this rant was the preview for the next show where three skanky looking wenches with fake boobs show up to interrogate the contestants. One of them asks Jes if she's a good kisser, and Jes proceeds to lay a "for the television tittilate the guys" smooch on her. Sorry y'all...from me, the answer would have been "yeah--with a guy." Perhaps the point I'm trying to get at is that being a straight woman isn't "cool" these days--but if a GUY shows bisexual or gay tendencies, well, that's gross. What I hate is the hypocrisy.

Of course anybody can be bought...and if you'd have slapped some primo cash in my hand, I'd have kissed the skanky ho-bag wench with the fake boobs too. Which is probably what it's all about when it comes down to it. How desperate are you for money. Somehow I'd be relieved to find out that Jes did it for a few extra bucks and not for Bret's benefit. I still find myself wondering if that dude's looked in the mirror or at the calendar lately. He isn't hideous, but he has been around the block a few too many times to be thinking himself as hot as he imagines.