Cleaning House

For the sake of simplification, the never-read Moron Machine is now merging with the minutely read Playroom. See you there!

My comments on the Hulk and Linda Hogan divorce

This was my comment on the MSN message board:

Aghast and amazed said:

Oh, for the gold-digger remarks, get a dictionary for the definition of the term. It doesn't apply here. She may be spoiled and a spendthrift, but not a gold-digger.

Thank you! Just what I was going to say.

I don't really like Linda, but I don't think she's a gold digger. More a rich man's wife who has never had to work and is completely out of touch with reality.

I believe it was Johnny Carson's fourth wife who epitomized the definition of "gold digger." They had only been married a few years when she divorced him and she was crying that she couldn't live on $34,000 a month. Now that's a gold digger!

Unfortunately, in the Hogans' case, both of their kids seem like spoiled, sheltered celebrity babies. I think they're the ones who will have the rudest awakening in the future. Nick especially seems to be headed for trouble. Brooke is not a great singing talent, the only thing she has going for her is youth and looks and both of those fade.

There have been others that have said that the whole family is out of touch with reality. I think that's fairly well true. The vicious, vindictive, misogynist comments that I've seen from some of you men are pretty distressing. Most women are not in fact gold diggers and I prefer to believe that most men are not vindictive misogynists. If you're bitter because women seem to want to get away from you after being with you a while, you might want to check your attitude about women. It might explain why women want to cut and run from your presence.

Smarter than I thought it was

Cash Advance Loans

Time wasting

You Are Bobby Brady

Ultra competitive, you will do almost anything to win. From pull ups to pool sharking, you're very talented. And while everyone is aware of your victories, they still (affectionately) consider you to be a little brat!

What Brady Are You?

Rock of Love Recap

The time has come once again to show that I am in no way a professional critic, I just like to bitch about certain things. And what better to bitch about than these train wreck bachelor/ette shows on VH1.

The skank in question is Bret Michaels. I actually think Bret seems like someone who would make a good friend. But would I want him for a boyfriend? I'd probably take him before Flavor Flav, who I also think would make a cool friend. But both Bret and Flav are tore up from the floor up, and they've been with everything else under the sun, so...no thanks. Besides, I'm one of those women that wouldn't interest them. I don't try to be hot, I have had very little plastic surgery, my very average sized boobs are actually mine, and I wear clothes that cover my multitude of sins when I'm out in public. And probably the biggest deal breaker: I have my own interests and goals, and my kid comes first. Somehow this just ain't what Bret and Flav are looking for. And that's fine by me!

The Rock of Love has something that none of the two Flavor of Loves nor I Love New York had. A contenstant that I actually HATE! I thought Hottie was goofy as hell. I thought New York was bitchy, but I didn't actively hate her. I thought that Chance proved himself to be something of a dick. And I don't like Heather the overcured ham. (thanks to Catherine for that apt comparison!) But nor do I really hate any of these people.

Lacey, however, I think is a gen-yu-wine 100 proof beeeyatch with a capital B! I know this heartless succubus makes for good television, particularly considering the genre. But seeing her sociopathic, scheming face makes me feel bulimic. In other words, I want to throw up anything I may have eaten during the day when I view her malevolent mug. She is the one contestant on any of these shows where I find myself saying "oh for fuck's sake, I don't CARE if she's entertaining, put a fucking stake through her heart and be done with it!"

So Mia the nice girl got sent home, to nobody's surprise. Sorry, Ladies, but these guys who imagine themselves to be tres hot will never go for a nice girl. Bret likes skanky, overdone blondes, which is why I have my money on the overcured ham. Lacey is just way too much of a bitch and she doesn't have anything else going for her either, even the dubious quality of "hotness." She has a boyish figure, not much in the way of boobs (not that I have a ton in that department, just sayin') and no butt. All this could be overlooked if not for the satanic sneer that perpetually graces her not particularly attractive face. Every time I see her I wish that Buffy the Vampire Slayer would swing onto the set and take the bitch out. Just saying.

As to the remaining wannabe Bret schtoinkers, I find Sam and Jes actually likeable. I don't dislike Brandi, but she is showing her true sluttiness more and more.

With the previews, I also find myself needing to air a pet peeve.

Chicks making out with other chicks for the sake of turning dudes on.

If someone is a real, genuine lesbian, power to you. I don't have a problem with that. I also don't have a problem with someone who is actually bisexual. It's these "mostly straight" chicks that will stick their tongue down another woman's throat just to get some guy worked up. Girlfriend, come on! If you really want other women, that's one thing, but you need to figure it out for yourself. Doing it to get some guy hotted up--well--if he wouldn't be interested in you for yourself, then he ain't worth your damn time. Sadly, Ladies, we still just don't get it.

What inspired this rant was the preview for the next show where three skanky looking wenches with fake boobs show up to interrogate the contestants. One of them asks Jes if she's a good kisser, and Jes proceeds to lay a "for the television tittilate the guys" smooch on her. Sorry y'all...from me, the answer would have been "yeah--with a guy." Perhaps the point I'm trying to get at is that being a straight woman isn't "cool" these days--but if a GUY shows bisexual or gay tendencies, well, that's gross. What I hate is the hypocrisy.

Of course anybody can be bought...and if you'd have slapped some primo cash in my hand, I'd have kissed the skanky ho-bag wench with the fake boobs too. Which is probably what it's all about when it comes down to it. How desperate are you for money. Somehow I'd be relieved to find out that Jes did it for a few extra bucks and not for Bret's benefit. I still find myself wondering if that dude's looked in the mirror or at the calendar lately. He isn't hideous, but he has been around the block a few too many times to be thinking himself as hot as he imagines.

The Pick-Up Artist

Please, somebody tell me this shit is scripted!
Are you fucking kidding me? This guy is such a JAG! Do women actually fall for this shit?
Women who are just looking to get laid, maybe?
The dorky guys are actually more appealing. Not that I'm looking, but honestly? I'd rather have someone who approached me like a human being, not like a potential sex doll for the night.
The plump fellow actually seems really sweet. Why doesn't he try meeting women somewhere that has an intellectual component to it, like a book discussion group, or even a wine tasting, instead of a nightclub. He might find someone who wants to talk, not just party.
I'd be tempted to tell the pick up artist to pick this up, Bitch, as I threw a drink on him. I hate guys that think they have the golden ticket to my golden triangle. Let me turn around and you can kiss my back cheeks, Bitch!
Gaaah!
But this shit is fun to watch if only to show me that I am NOT the "Biggest Loser" either in weight loss or in personality.

Flavor of Love 3 Casting

I heard it through the grapevine from the Flavor Of Love and Other Reality Train Wrecks blog. There will be a Flavor of Love 3. Yeehah--super train wreck time! And a nice lady calling herself Flavalicious would like to be on the show. She looks like a real person, not just a pair of boobs like some of the others. I like real people! So help her out by going to the Flavor of Love Casting site and voting for her!

VH1's Newest Train Wrecks

What can I say, I'm not above watching train wrecks. If you want GOOD reviewing, you'll need to go to the VH1 Reality Show Blog, or to Catherine's Blog. If you want opinionated and pointless blather, this is the place.

I'm betting that VH1's newest Reality Whore Bret Michaels will pick Heather as his #1 Skank. She's a tore-up bleach blonde with overinflated silicone balloons the size of a person's head for breasts, in the fine Pamela Anderson tradition.

Heather (left) and Pam (right)

They could be twins, and history tends to repeat itself.

I thought that Heather was such a complete beeyatch that she would be the one I'd end up hating worst on this show, but there is some spark of humanity remaining in the heart that beats beneath the overinflated silicone breasts. She wasn't standing there ghoulishly rubbing her gleeful hands hoping to be able to eat Dallas' brains when Dallas wiped out on her Motocross bike. Lacey, however, is a different story. This bitch is pure incarnate evil. And she doesn't have anything going for her on any other level either. While I have no love for New York, she, like Heather, has a glimmer of humanity beneath her silicone boobs and bitch attitude. I hate Lacey so much that I think she deserves to be a contestant on the next run of the Flavor of Arsewipe, and I don't say that lightly! Nobody deserves to be with Arsewipe. But if anybody does, it's Lacey.

(Don't click the link unless you enjoy really offbeat and twisted satire.)

And now my sage opinion of the other skanks:

Brandi C is simply an easy bimbo and is appealing to the sort of person that appreciates that kind of thing. I don't have anything against her because she doesn't have enough substance for her to be threatening on any level. Erin is another walking pair of oversized breasts with bleach blonde hair but she lacks the tore up from the floor up Pamela Anderson skank appeal that Heather possesses. So I don't think she'll be Bret's choice to be the next flavor of the year.

I like the remaining contestants fairly well. I really liked Rodeo after she put Psycho Bitch Lacey in her place. Sam and Jes seem like cool chicks. Magdalena is an attractive lady and has an easygoing personality. And no, I don't think she looks like a guy. There's really nothing I can say about Mia, she doesn't stand out particularly, which means she will go home soon. Probably before Lacey, because face it, the evil bitch makes good television. I'd rather have kept Tiffany the Train Wreck Personified, but perhaps Bret was afraid of the diseases she might have been harboring--or of getting his wiener pounded into puree by another one of her lap dances.

Brandi M. doesn't really stand out either. And neither she nor any of the women mentioned in the previous paragraph of the aforementioned are hoe-tastic enough to appeal to Bret Michaels. Bret, while perhaps not quite as much of a skank as Flavor Flav, is himself a skank. I love Bret as a musician, as I did Flav. But would I let that man anywhere near my hoo-ha? No thank you--he's been in everybody else's already! I prefer a guy that can keep his pants up until he's with his lady. And yes, there are guys that are capable of being faithful. Anybody who says otherwise is simply looking to justify bad behavior.

While I do put Bret in the Skank category, I don't put him in the Asshole category. He has qualities that lead me to believe he could be a good friend. Scott Baio, on the other hand, is 45 and single for a very good reason. He's a jackass! He thinks he's all that and a side order of seasoned curly fries. No woman is good enough for him. But who could put up with him? Gaaah!!! I haven't wanted to choke somebody that much in a while!

That aside, I'm glad that VH1 has a few new train wrecks to enjoy. Because then I can look at my life and think "at least I never got THAT desperate for attention!"

Skank Parade

Vote for the skankier skank!

The 8 Things Meme

I actually did this on my random thoughts blog since more people read it.

Update: Paris Back In The Slammer

The judge rescinded Paris' Get Out Of Jail Free Card and told her she has to serve her sentence like regular people convicted of the same crime.

Now, tell me this doesn't look like it could be a cover for one of those "Lipstick Lesbians In Prison" XXX movies. It creeps me out enough thinking about seeing Paris Hilton having sex. But it REALLY creeps me out that the other chick in this picture is her sister!

However, if you want to find Lipstick Lesbians or any other XXX movies, you can go here!

Speaks For Itself

This post brought to you by the only one crazy enough to do so...
Me!
No, you can't see the whole banner. I haven't made a smaller one yet. Just click it!

Eyeshadow Overkill

One of the geniuses at the I Love New York/Flavor Of Love blog made the astute observation that when it comes to eye shadow, New York does not understand the meaning of the phrase "Less is More."

Well, the camera does not lie!

My other thought is that New York may just be a rock music fan and is modeling her look on the likes of these guys:

For more of New York, visit the I Love New York/Flavor of Love blog.

For more of the other people pictured (and others like them,) visit the Vault of Tuneage.

For more rock and satire, visit the Maelstrom of Distorted Bedlam.

I Want To Be...

Detective Olivia Benson on Law and Order SVU!

She's smart, she's cool, she's beautiful, and she gets to kick people's asses all the time.

Here is the official Law and Order SVU page.

Olivia is a bit of a tortured soul. She has trouble maintaining any kind of healthy romantic relationship due to her line of work and her troubled past. She is the daughter of a rapist and an alcoholic. Her conception was the result of her mother being raped.

Mariska Hargitay is, on the other hand, the daughter of the late Jayne Mansfield and of Mickey Hargitay. She is happily married. She works to help non-profit rape crisis programs such as SAVVI (Sexual Assault Victims Volunteer Initiative) and created her own organization, the Joyful Heart Foundation.

So just in case you think all I ever do is bitch about morons like Paris Hilton or laugh/groan about the antics of the likes of Flavor Flav and his bevy of bimbos, I sometimes do find people who actually merit a positive word!

Mariska is one of those people.

Mariska's blog

Mariska's website

An excellent list of resources for sexual assault/mental health issues.