Rock of Love Recap

The time has come once again to show that I am in no way a professional critic, I just like to bitch about certain things. And what better to bitch about than these train wreck bachelor/ette shows on VH1.

The skank in question is Bret Michaels. I actually think Bret seems like someone who would make a good friend. But would I want him for a boyfriend? I'd probably take him before Flavor Flav, who I also think would make a cool friend. But both Bret and Flav are tore up from the floor up, and they've been with everything else under the sun, so...no thanks. Besides, I'm one of those women that wouldn't interest them. I don't try to be hot, I have had very little plastic surgery, my very average sized boobs are actually mine, and I wear clothes that cover my multitude of sins when I'm out in public. And probably the biggest deal breaker: I have my own interests and goals, and my kid comes first. Somehow this just ain't what Bret and Flav are looking for. And that's fine by me!

The Rock of Love has something that none of the two Flavor of Loves nor I Love New York had. A contenstant that I actually HATE! I thought Hottie was goofy as hell. I thought New York was bitchy, but I didn't actively hate her. I thought that Chance proved himself to be something of a dick. And I don't like Heather the overcured ham. (thanks to Catherine for that apt comparison!) But nor do I really hate any of these people.

Lacey, however, I think is a gen-yu-wine 100 proof beeeyatch with a capital B! I know this heartless succubus makes for good television, particularly considering the genre. But seeing her sociopathic, scheming face makes me feel bulimic. In other words, I want to throw up anything I may have eaten during the day when I view her malevolent mug. She is the one contestant on any of these shows where I find myself saying "oh for fuck's sake, I don't CARE if she's entertaining, put a fucking stake through her heart and be done with it!"

So Mia the nice girl got sent home, to nobody's surprise. Sorry, Ladies, but these guys who imagine themselves to be tres hot will never go for a nice girl. Bret likes skanky, overdone blondes, which is why I have my money on the overcured ham. Lacey is just way too much of a bitch and she doesn't have anything else going for her either, even the dubious quality of "hotness." She has a boyish figure, not much in the way of boobs (not that I have a ton in that department, just sayin') and no butt. All this could be overlooked if not for the satanic sneer that perpetually graces her not particularly attractive face. Every time I see her I wish that Buffy the Vampire Slayer would swing onto the set and take the bitch out. Just saying.

As to the remaining wannabe Bret schtoinkers, I find Sam and Jes actually likeable. I don't dislike Brandi, but she is showing her true sluttiness more and more.

With the previews, I also find myself needing to air a pet peeve.

Chicks making out with other chicks for the sake of turning dudes on.

If someone is a real, genuine lesbian, power to you. I don't have a problem with that. I also don't have a problem with someone who is actually bisexual. It's these "mostly straight" chicks that will stick their tongue down another woman's throat just to get some guy worked up. Girlfriend, come on! If you really want other women, that's one thing, but you need to figure it out for yourself. Doing it to get some guy hotted up--well--if he wouldn't be interested in you for yourself, then he ain't worth your damn time. Sadly, Ladies, we still just don't get it.

What inspired this rant was the preview for the next show where three skanky looking wenches with fake boobs show up to interrogate the contestants. One of them asks Jes if she's a good kisser, and Jes proceeds to lay a "for the television tittilate the guys" smooch on her. Sorry y'all...from me, the answer would have been "yeah--with a guy." Perhaps the point I'm trying to get at is that being a straight woman isn't "cool" these days--but if a GUY shows bisexual or gay tendencies, well, that's gross. What I hate is the hypocrisy.

Of course anybody can be bought...and if you'd have slapped some primo cash in my hand, I'd have kissed the skanky ho-bag wench with the fake boobs too. Which is probably what it's all about when it comes down to it. How desperate are you for money. Somehow I'd be relieved to find out that Jes did it for a few extra bucks and not for Bret's benefit. I still find myself wondering if that dude's looked in the mirror or at the calendar lately. He isn't hideous, but he has been around the block a few too many times to be thinking himself as hot as he imagines.

VH1's Newest Train Wrecks

What can I say, I'm not above watching train wrecks. If you want GOOD reviewing, you'll need to go to the VH1 Reality Show Blog, or to Catherine's Blog. If you want opinionated and pointless blather, this is the place.

I'm betting that VH1's newest Reality Whore Bret Michaels will pick Heather as his #1 Skank. She's a tore-up bleach blonde with overinflated silicone balloons the size of a person's head for breasts, in the fine Pamela Anderson tradition.

Heather (left) and Pam (right)

They could be twins, and history tends to repeat itself.

I thought that Heather was such a complete beeyatch that she would be the one I'd end up hating worst on this show, but there is some spark of humanity remaining in the heart that beats beneath the overinflated silicone breasts. She wasn't standing there ghoulishly rubbing her gleeful hands hoping to be able to eat Dallas' brains when Dallas wiped out on her Motocross bike. Lacey, however, is a different story. This bitch is pure incarnate evil. And she doesn't have anything going for her on any other level either. While I have no love for New York, she, like Heather, has a glimmer of humanity beneath her silicone boobs and bitch attitude. I hate Lacey so much that I think she deserves to be a contestant on the next run of the Flavor of Arsewipe, and I don't say that lightly! Nobody deserves to be with Arsewipe. But if anybody does, it's Lacey.

(Don't click the link unless you enjoy really offbeat and twisted satire.)

And now my sage opinion of the other skanks:

Brandi C is simply an easy bimbo and is appealing to the sort of person that appreciates that kind of thing. I don't have anything against her because she doesn't have enough substance for her to be threatening on any level. Erin is another walking pair of oversized breasts with bleach blonde hair but she lacks the tore up from the floor up Pamela Anderson skank appeal that Heather possesses. So I don't think she'll be Bret's choice to be the next flavor of the year.

I like the remaining contestants fairly well. I really liked Rodeo after she put Psycho Bitch Lacey in her place. Sam and Jes seem like cool chicks. Magdalena is an attractive lady and has an easygoing personality. And no, I don't think she looks like a guy. There's really nothing I can say about Mia, she doesn't stand out particularly, which means she will go home soon. Probably before Lacey, because face it, the evil bitch makes good television. I'd rather have kept Tiffany the Train Wreck Personified, but perhaps Bret was afraid of the diseases she might have been harboring--or of getting his wiener pounded into puree by another one of her lap dances.

Brandi M. doesn't really stand out either. And neither she nor any of the women mentioned in the previous paragraph of the aforementioned are hoe-tastic enough to appeal to Bret Michaels. Bret, while perhaps not quite as much of a skank as Flavor Flav, is himself a skank. I love Bret as a musician, as I did Flav. But would I let that man anywhere near my hoo-ha? No thank you--he's been in everybody else's already! I prefer a guy that can keep his pants up until he's with his lady. And yes, there are guys that are capable of being faithful. Anybody who says otherwise is simply looking to justify bad behavior.

While I do put Bret in the Skank category, I don't put him in the Asshole category. He has qualities that lead me to believe he could be a good friend. Scott Baio, on the other hand, is 45 and single for a very good reason. He's a jackass! He thinks he's all that and a side order of seasoned curly fries. No woman is good enough for him. But who could put up with him? Gaaah!!! I haven't wanted to choke somebody that much in a while!

That aside, I'm glad that VH1 has a few new train wrecks to enjoy. Because then I can look at my life and think "at least I never got THAT desperate for attention!"